My seven-year-old daughter weighs 32kg (five stone). She is not fat, but is tubby and can be greedy. She is my build – overweight, but not grossly so. I don't want to give her a phobia about being overweight but, on the other hand, I don't want her to eat herself into a miserable, fat adulthood with all the related illness that obesity brings. I tell her she needs to eat healthily and should not overeat. I do not ban sweets and crisps, but I do monitor them. Friends say I am far too worried about it and will give her a complex if I tell her not to eat too much. She exercises – dancing three times a week and walks and swims.
What am I to do? If I let her eat what she likes, she will be fat; if I tell her not to eat too much, I will give her a complex.
F, via email
If you go to http://tinyurl.com/3kt8af4 you can input your daughter's age, height and weight to find out her BMI, which will tell you if she is overweight. You will then have a much better idea of whether you have cause to worry.
Then, you can act on this by yourself, or ask your GP for a referral to a nutritionist. I think it is great that you want to your child to be healthy, not overweight, while remaining mindful of not giving her a complex. It is a difficult line to tread but try to make talking about food factual, not emotive.
I spoke to three specialists about your letter. Carlos Gonzalez, a paediatrician, Helen Crawley, reader in nutrition policy at City University, London, and Toni Steer, a public health dietician who works for the Medical Research Council.
All agreed that it is important not to have unhealthy snacks in the house, so the temptation to eat them is not there. Gonzalez and Steer suggested keeping a food diary for a few days, to see what your daughter is eating and when. Steer recommended you note any difficult times of day and plan strategies accordingly. So if your daughter comes in feeling really hungry after school, have some healthy snacks ready. Steer also recommended not being too strict or too permissive, but "authoritative": give your daughter a controlled choice. So, for example: would she like an apple or a banana?
You may also need to look at what, and how, you eat. There is no point telling your daughter to eat healthily if you don't. Do you all sit down to eat together? Do you buy lots of prepared foods (which can contain hidden sugar and fat); do you eat watching TV so that you're not mindful of what you are eating? What size are your portions?
I think it is unrealistic to cut out all sweets and crisps, but try to make healthier choices (high-cocoa rather than milk chocolate, for example). Or go for smaller portions – buy one small bag of crisps not a big family bag.
It is also a good idea to get your daughter involved in all aspects of food: learn about good nutrition together so it is not about "good" or "bad" food; let her choose new fruits and vegetables while shopping, or grow some together. She is also at an age where she can help with cooking. Don't make mealtimes stressful – enjoy the experience. Once your kitchen is full of healthier food, I hope you'll be more relaxed. Make sure she isn't taking in excess calories from fruit juices (fine in moderation) or soft drinks that have little nutritional value.
I note that she is exercising, but don't forget about everyday activities, too: use stairs instead of lifts, walk or cycle to school if possible.
Other than in extreme circumstances, it is never a good idea for a child to lose weight. You simply want them to catch up with their weight so their BMI is in a healthier range. Finally, remember to compliment your daughter, too. I appreciate that you are coming at this from a health point of view, but you don't want your child to think her worth is in her weight, or lack of it.
Two helpful websites are www.nhs.uk/change4life and cwt.org.uk.
Contact Annalisa Barbieri, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU or email annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
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